I Used to Hide in the Bathroom for Peace. Here's What That Was Telling Me.
I'll be honest with you about something I've never really said out loud.
For years, my version of self-care was sneaking off to the bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet lid, and staring at my phone for three uninterrupted minutes while pretending I was going to the bathroom. Sometimes I'd leave my kids at after-school pickup later than necessary just to sit in silence in my car. And every Mother's Day when someone asked what I wanted? My gut said "to be left alone" — but what came out of my mouth was "oh, just a homemade card from the kids."
I felt like a monster for even thinking it.
Because I was a good mom. A good friend. A good employee. I had things handled. From the outside, everything looked fine.
But inside? My tank was completely empty. And I didn't even realize it until I started having panic attacks.
The ‘Should’ That Was Running My Life
Here's what I had quietly accepted as truth without ever consciously choosing it:
"I should put others' needs before my own."
It was baked into how I showed up as a mother, as a partner, as a professional. I had genuinely believed that being selfless was the same as being a good person. I believed that my needs coming last was just part of the deal.
It wasn't until everything caught up with me that I realized this belief wasn't noble. It was slowly running me into the ground.
This is what I now call a Sabotaging Should. It's one of the most common ones I see in the women I work with, and it might be running your life too.
Let's Clear Something Up: Selfish vs. Self-Care
These two words get confused constantly, and I want to draw a clear line between them.
Being selfish means putting your wants over someone else's needs.
Practicing self-care means putting your needs over someone else's wants.
Read that again, because it matters.
When you finally make your dentist appointment, take a walk alone, or say no to something you genuinely don't have capacity for — that is not selfish. That is necessary. The reason it feels selfish is because your barometer has been off for so long that anything you do for yourself registers as too much.
Here's the analogy I use with clients: If you grew up in Massachusetts and it's 55 degrees on a spring day, you're in a t-shirt soaking up the sun. But if you're from Florida? You're bundled up wondering how anyone survives this cold. Same temperature. Completely different experience. Because your baseline is different.
Your self-care barometer works the same way. If you've spent years deprioritizing yourself, the first time you put yourself first it will feel wrong — even when it's exactly right. That feeling isn't a signal to stop. It's a signal that you're recalibrating.
What Self-Care Actually Is (It's Not What Instagram Sells You)
Self-care gets a bad rap because we've reduced it to bubble baths and expensive face serums. And yes — those things count. But real self-care is often a lot less glamorous than that.
It's making the appointment you've been canceling for six months. It's saying no to the thing you only agreed to out of guilt. It's going to bed instead of scrolling, eating something nourishing instead of grabbing whatever's closest, and allowing yourself to feel a hard feeling instead of pushing it back down.
It's also this: genuine self-care doesn't mean escaping from your life. It means building a life you don't need to escape from.
That hit me hard when I finally understood it. The nightly glass of wine, the endless Netflix, the mindless phone scrolling — those weren't self-care. They were ways I was numbing out from a life that had no room for me in it. Real self-care meant I had to actually look at that.
The Six Areas Worth Paying Attention To
Most of us are decent in one or two categories and completely neglecting the rest. See if any of these feel familiar:
Physical — Sleep, movement, nourishing food, rest. Not punishment. Care.
Emotional — Checking in with yourself, honoring your triggers, creating space for your feelings instead of pushing through them.
Sensory — This one gets overlooked the most. Your nervous system needs input that feels good. A massage, bare feet in grass, sunlight on your face, music that moves you.
Mental — Unplugging, learning something that lights you up, decluttering your space and your mind.
Social — Spending time with people who fill you up, not just those who need something from you.
Spiritual — Nature, intuition, stillness, letting go of what no longer belongs to you.
One more thing worth noting: self-care doesn't only mean adding things to your already full plate. Sometimes it means stopping things. Stopping saying yes when you mean no. Stopping answering the phone when you don't have capacity. Stopping carrying guilt that was never yours to carry.
The Hard Truth (Said With Love)
No one is coming to save you from this.
No one is going to schedule your workout or make you take a lunch break or remind you that you matter too. That responsibility belongs to you — and I say that not to overwhelm you, but to free you.
You do not have to earn the right to take care of yourself. You are not on a waiting list. You are worthy of your own attention right now, in the life you're already living.
The airlines have been trying to tell us for years: put your oxygen mask on first. Not because you matter more than the people you love — but because you cannot help anyone if you're the one who's gone.
Start Here
If you're reading this and feeling the weight of how long you've been running on empty, I want you to take one small step today. Not a complete life overhaul — just one thing.
Ask yourself honestly: What recharges me? And then — this is the important part — actually do it. Even if it's just ten minutes. Even if it feels indulgent. Even if your barometer tells you it's too much.
It's not too much. You've just forgotten what enough feels like.
Want to go deeper into this work? The 7 Sabotaging Shoulds — including this one — are explored fully in my book, Confessions of a People Pleaser, available on Amazon. Every chapter includes journal prompts to help you move from awareness into actual change.
And if you're ready to stop just reading about it and start doing something about it — that's what my coaching program Choose Yourself is designed for. We work through these patterns together, with energy work woven in, so the shift happens at every level.
Before You Go — A Few Questions Worth Sitting With:
Think back to when life felt more carefree. What did you enjoy doing just for yourself?
What genuinely recharges you — not what should recharge you, but what actually does?
What is one self-care practice you could realistically add to your week starting today?
There are no right answers. Just honest ones!
Lisa Kern is a Reiki Master, transformational coach, and author of Confessions of a People Pleaser. She works with women who feel anxious, overwhelmed, and unfulfilled — helping them get to the root of why and reclaim themselves in the process. Find her at lisakern.com.